Happy Holidays

So it has offiicially been forever since I have posted. Since I last posted in August I have finished another MBA class, started dating a great guy (I'll refer to him on here as BigCat), after 31 years of marriage my parents have separated/filing for divorce, my nephew has turned 1, I have traveled to Spain and Germany to visit my bestie, and lots of little things here, there, and in between.

My mom sister and I also started a baking blog I will admit I have been much more dedicated to it than this blog. Baking, as you know from several of my posts over the past few years has always been a passion of mine and the women of my family. Please check out our site: http://www.buttercreambakers.com/. Candid life of Christy is more of an anynoumous blog since I touch on lots of personal topics that I wouldn't share to an average person upon meeting them but Buttercream Bakers will fill you in on my domestic goddess side showing off all the kitchen creations I have been cooking up the last few months.

I promise to keep the posts flowing better in the future. In the meantime, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Bathroom Remodel

I love my house but there is one thing I wish I could change about it. It's 1/2 bath. Originally when I was looking to buy houses my realtor convinced me (my now house) this property would be a prime candidate to add a shower to the half bath making it fit my criteria in the home search. I lived in the house about a year before my inspiration came. I went to Birmingham a bridal shower and stayed at one my sorority sisters new house that she just so happened to have remodeled. Her house was almost identical to mine except she had 2 full baths...and when I saw her amazing, super beautiful shower, I knew what I had to do when I got back to Nashville.... Build a amazing, super beautiful shower for myself!







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Before Picture: Putting a shower in place of the hall closet (middle door in picture)

 

Before Picture

After meetings with 4 different contracts, a dozen trips to Home Depot, Lowes, and tiles stores, I finally made my decision on my purchases and contractor. The project was estimated to take 3 days.... But two months later we finally got to use my new shower!

Where the hallway closest used to be




 





Cracked Tiles



In the process they had to rip out tile 3 times... let's just say I must be a horrible judge of character cause I picked a horrible contractor. They must have underestimated just how observant I am. These two tiles are just a few of the many issues we came across.

cracked tiles




I don't have any great pictures of the final project. New vanity, medicine cabinet and shower together but hopefully I will get one up there for ya soon!

Psych!

Have you ever just had one of those moments that for a brief period of time you can see a window into what could be your future? Last night I had one of those epiphanies. I pictured myself living in this big house with a big yard in the country with a couple kids running around. I could see Wedding Boy next to me, we were laughing, over flowing with happiness at our life and love for each other. In my head it all felt so simple and perfect.

These fantasy thoughts and day dreams are always what I have referred to as “Christy’s Crazy Thoughts”. Ideas that are fun to think about but never what I would ever call realisitic. It has been 6 months since I have seen wedding boy. At that time we both decided to take a step back from our feelings and what was going on but we have kept in contact. Our friendship has always been one of the strongest things about us. Even though we live 6 hours away both of us have known since we met that we could talk to each other about anything, could call the other and they would actually pick up, and we both know exactly what to say to put a smile on the other person’s face… But the truth is we are both scardy cats. We are both so independent and content with our current lives that the 6 hours distance between us has hovered like a tornado at all times stirring around emotions, thoughts, and wants pushing our potential right out of our minds.

BUT last night after a week of consistent text messaging and the occasional phone call I think it just hit Wedding boy. It started with a text saying you could convince me to go to Vegas and get married, which then lead to a phone conversation that left him saying, “why don’t we just do it?”… It was the closest thing to a marriage proposal I have ever experienced. He went on and said it was hard for him to put his emotions into words but he said he didn’t just date to date that he only considers relationships if he could see them as his wife and having his kids and that me and him just click. The physical and emotional chemistry is both there and he confessed how much he has thought about me over the last 6 months... He said he would be willing to just take the risk; go to Vegas and get married by Elvis. The scary part is I was feeling everything he was expressing too and if he had truly asked me to go, I would have actually thought about it. (cue Christy's Crazy Thoughts mentioned above! haha)

But, I’m just not spontaneous enough to make a life long decision so rashly and with someone I have spent so little one on one time with. When the crazy thoughts of Elvis finally passed and the normal talk of maybe we should just try to hang out again both our Crazy Thoughts burst. How do two busy people that live so far away from each other make this work? Should we actually try to give this a shot or are we crazy? Talk, talk talk… What to do, how do we truly feel, what is going on. Then it hit me, I will be headed close to his home town in a month for a wedding for one of his friends. I told him that is our perfect opportunity to see each other. He could be my date and we could just see what would happen and all he left me with was…. “But that day is the opening day for bow season in Mississippi.”

Some things never change. Today I wake up and push back all those emotions that he dragged back out of me as far down in my mind and soul as I can. Even after basically proposing, when it comes down to it, Wedding Boy just doesn't seem to really want to ever change his life or prioriities to accomodate something that yes, would be be a leap of faith, but also could open the door for something potentially amazing.

There is a saying that goes something like, people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime and right now God has me questioning which one of those options Wedding Boy will eventually fall under for me. But as I have said many times before, these questions and uncertantiies are what makes life so beautiful and exciting and I just have to keep faith in God and his plans for me.

Cheers; to the Journey, to the blessing of life , and to amazing things in store for all our futures!

the big 2-6

So another birthday has come and gone. I am officially now 26 and I can't think of a another birthday where I have felt so blessed. Greeted at work with a huge buffet of breakfast food cooked by my co-workers to be followed with receiving one of the most beautiful flower arrangments from my sister and her family to later do some celebrating at the casino with my family. Couldn't end the day withoute one of my mother's infamous cakes! Mmmmm makes me hungry just thinking about it! LOL

My sister and her family drove down for the weekend . Carter is getting so big and I just love him so much. He really has been such a blessing and getting to see him was one of the best birthday present of all.

After the weekend was over, I returned back to nashville to be surrounded with 12 of my favorite people over dinner and cake. I really couldn't ask for much more! I am truly blessed and hope 27 brings me just as much happiness!

New Car!

So the time finally came where my precious 2006 Honda Accord was approaching 100K, new timing belt, new tires, electrical issues with the over head lights and the cigarrette lighter plugs. Man did I love that car, but with a high trade in value, my hard earned saved cash and some financing I decided it was time for me to be a real adult and buy a new car. Three weeks after much pondering, comparing and contrasting and quite a few dealerships visits, I finally decided on my new ride! A 2011 Toyota Venza! I am so excited to have my first SUV and to have a red car again! :)

Christy wins best supporting actress!!!

So yesterday’s weight watcher meeting was talking about the people around you that support you not only just in life but specifically your weightloss journey. My leader called it who wins the “best supporting actor/actress” award in your life. It was a very good lesson and really made it apparent how important it is to surround yourself with good support and positivity.

At one point the leader asked the group who in the room had been a “supporting actress” for them throughout our WW Journey. I was shocked to hear that several of the women in the group said my name! I think I beamed with pride and happiness at that moment but then hours later as I was heading to dinner it hit me that while I am clearly very helpful, positive, and supportive of these women I do not offer myself the same treatment. My weight is constantly yo-yoing, some days I’m hot & other days I am cold about my weightloss journey, I am my own worst critic and enemy, and when it comes to the way I look and losing weight I am most definitely glass half empty….

I find it funny that I really do have the ut-most respect, motivation, and attitude for the ladies in my group. I know they can do it! So why can’t I feel that way about myself? Why is it sooo easy for me to build other people up in this regard when I can’t help but tear myself down about the same exact things?

Is this all worth it?

If you know me very well, you know one thing about me is that I am very trusting… probably too trusting. But after being lied to and mistreated so many times how am I ever supposed to trust anyone?! The world had proved to me to be full of Crap!

I’m a blunt person. I believe honesty is always the best policy. I hate liars and am totally against lying. Yet, somehow I have managed to surround myself by men that like to lie to me.

Just two weeks ago a guy from out of town that has been a good friend and pursing a real date with me calls me while at work and asks me out for the weekend. I unfortunately already had plans but promised the first chance to make it work, we would…. 4 days later he shows up in Nashville in the middle of the week (a day I have absolutely no plans), doesn’t tell me he is coming and when I randomly bump into him he tells me he was avoiding me because he was going out with another girl in Nashville…. (really!?)

Guys that send you late night texts or call you tipsy to confess their love to only be told the next day that the only reason they call me is when they get drunk is because they are lonely and they know I will answer the phone. Nice…..

Wedding boy… quickly became one of my closest friends. We had so much in common, could talk for hours, I was extremely attracted to him and felt the feeling was mutual….. a relationship with such potential with the exception of the distance… At least that is what he told me. A month and a half in, he decided to turn into Mister Hot and Cold….. Three weeks in a row he woo’ed me with making plans with me and every time something magically came up the day we were supposed to get together. One night I finally called him out on his actions and how I didn’t think it was fair to me, and somehow he managed to guilt me into thinking all of this was my fault and hung up on me.…. He dropped me like it was hot with no explanation for basically two months until I got a call him apologizing for his behavior and the actual problem the whole time was he was still hung up on his Ex. Why couldn’t he have just told me that and saved me all that grief and emotions!?

My favorite has been the last guy I hung out with…. I clearly am a bit skeptical about men and apparently it was pretty apparent. He loaded me down day after day with how great of a catch I am. That he was different and he was going to treat me the way I deserved, and for the small time we were involved he did. He would run around to open my car door. He pulled my chair out at the table. We were talking about planning a trip in the next couple weeks. He held my hand frequently. He gave me amazing hugs. He whispered to me in public how beautiful I was. Instead of going to the movies like we planned we ended up talking for hours, and both of us sat there saying how comfortable and amazing we feel with each other. Even after such a short time he said he could imagine spending the rest of his life with me and how much he wanted to introduce me to his family. I thought I had struck gold. Not only had I found this man that treated me so amazing but I liked him so much back in return…. (Which as we know sometimes I never like the guys that seem to like me. ) but then reality struck… even after our amazing dates and conversations something must have gone wrong because I haven’t heard from him….. Words can’t express how heart wrenching for me this has been for me over the last few days to go from being on cloud nine to be brought down lower than you feel you have been in a very long time.

What I really want to do is call him and be like how could you do this to me!? You promised me you were different. How could you just literally fall off the face of the planet and do the things you were so disgusted by that other men had done to me? But I called and got no response. I texted and all I got was, I’m busy-will text you later texts….I’m not this pathetic girl. I am not going to chase after a boy like this. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me…

Maybe I just care too much. Maybe I just take things to the heart too quickly. Clearly I must be doing something wrong to keep getting hurt over and over again by men. Now I am consumed with the baggage of extreme fears of getting hurt. How can I ever trust anyone when my heart has been played like a fiddle so many times? My strings are getting so worn out and tired. When will I find someone that wont just screw me over…. And at the end of the day I wonder, is all this hurt and pain worth it?

Bachelorette Par-Tay!

Just got back from my second bachelorette party for the year. This time was Fort Walton Beach, Florida. It was sooo much fun. 8 girls, pent house of a beach resort, 85 degree weather and not a cloud in the sky. So what do women do at the beach for a bachelorette party besides lay out, drink, and go out.... they take pole dancing classes!!!!

Friday night we hit up a place called Tabu where we were greeted with refreshments, a pair of stripper tall shoes and a room full of poles for our pole dancing pleasure! Can we say pole dancing is hard!? I have a new found respect for strippers. I have never been to a stripe club but holy moly it takes some mighty strength to pull off those skills!

We all had a blast and left the studio covered in bruises, sore muscles and big smiles. Def a very fun bachelorette party activity that I think any young lady should try for a good work out and a fun time!

Me in terms of l.o.v.e....

When trying to find love I think it is important to understand not only what you want in someone but also what you offer... Thinking in those terms it has got me thinking and I have put into words my thought....

I am highly interdependent in relationships. I desire a substantial degree of physical and emotional connection with a partner and other loved ones. I am attracted quickly to someone who I can deeply respect and even emulate to a degree. In fact, it is typical for me to consider how a particular romantic partner might reflect on my family and friends. All of this does not mean that I don’t need personal space now and then; nearly everyone values being unique and different from others in some respects. However, I draw considerable strength, comfort and sense of identity from close relationships. I like to know about virtually all aspects of my partner’s life. Thus, when I feel close to someone this person becomes an extremely important part of who I am on the inside and outside.

I am clearly comfortable with giving and receiving emotional intimacy and long for emotional closeness and security with a special person. I also tend to be open with a partner in return. That openness includes lessons learned from past experiences and relationships, extending trust, believing my partner returns my feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with surrendering myself to a partner. In fact, I probably would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets between me and a partner. Likewise, I want to regard a partner as my best friend and my foremost confidant. I want no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with that person. I try to have realistic expectations for a committed relationship, however, I always tend to find myself wondering whether my partner’s feelings are equally as strong as mine. Somehow I always find myself taking risks associated with being vulnerable on many levels.

I believe I have a good level of self-esteem, sense of self, a sense of accomplishment and high self-efficacy (self-image, stability of mood and level of motivation). I am acutely aware – but accepting – of my strengths and weaknesses. Likewise, I feel that people who are important in my life understand me and I want them too. Family is extremely important to me, but I tend to have my own well-defined ambitions. I have a strong sense of control over my life and are decisive in managing it.

I believe I have a good foundation and am ready and willing to find a committed relationship. I do not have financial or legal baggage and have minimal emotional, health or family issues. I am not seeing a seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in my life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed me. Rather, I strive for a balance in my life and that now includes wanting to offer everything I can to a partner.

I believe I am an effective communicator with the necessary foundation for strong emotional intelligence. I enjoy learning opportunities and most challenges and I am not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. While I don’t always enjoy showing this level of vulnerability to others, it makes me sensitive to and accepting of other people’s expressions of vulnerability. For example, I can likely sense when someone feels troubled before being told. However, my sensitivity has limits. I am not necessarily comfortable or patient with all expressions of emotion and I am not keenly aware of all of the types of nonverbal signs that people send out or always cognizant of how my behavior impacts others.

I am very flexible and action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that I settle for quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. I do not try to avoid conflict; instead I evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage others to work on a positive outcome for the relationship.

I consider myself a hopeless romantic with a touch of realist, meaning I value the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love, but for me a relationship must have a strong dose of Romantic Love. I desire someone who is on the same wavelength as me –sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. This attitude of “love conquers all” is optimistic and sweet, but it is not productive to remain in a “love daze” and idealize my partner constantly.

There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or communicating love through words. To me actions speak louder than words and I enjoy affection through actions or tangible things.


Bottom line: I need someone who responds to the fact that I enjoy the reassurance of physical contact and emotional sharing, but who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that we do not lose our identities as individuals and whose character is deserving of my loyalty and affection. I need someone who desires and reciprocates intimacy as much as I do. I need a partner who has a good degree of energy, enthusiasm and self-efficacy like me, as opposed to a partner who needs constant nurturance and reassurance to feel empowered and valued as person. I need someone who wants a relationship, rather than needs one to feel personally fulfilled. I need someone who seeks to understand me, thereby accepting an equal share of responsibility in maintaining open and honest communication in the relationship. I need someone who will join me in taking time to find a complete and genuine resolution to issues as opposed to avoiding conflict by settling for quick, temporary agreements. I need someone who satisfies the hopeless romantic in me but who will insist that you take time to get to know each other well before the taking the relationship to next levels. I need someone who can express affection through tangible surprises – such as fun gifts he makes, souvenirs purchased on business trips or beautiful tokens or presents that show he remembers and celebrates special occasion.

Cupcake Obssession... Apparently

So it's no secret I have been cast under the delish spell of cupcakes. Added a few more new ones to my creations after searching the many food blogs for their newest creations.

First and by far the best one created to this date was the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cupcake. Please follow the hyperlink.... Trust me, you wont regret it! Def a crowd pleaser! But I used a white butter cupcake, filled with cookie dough, topped with the most rediculously insanely delicious cookie dough butter cream icing. It literally tastes like a fluffier version of cookie dough. Then I topped them with these teeny little chocolate chip cookies.


Another creation I made was another very note worthy cupcake. Snickers cupcakes! They were chocolate cupcakes filled with homemade caramel and snicker chunks, topped with caramel butter cream, caramel drizzle and additional snicker's chunks. Totally amazing but SUPER rich!



I just purchased a whole book dedicated to the best cupcake recipes too. It has 150 of the best looking cupcakes ever! I already have a ton a want to try. Don't you worry, I'll share!!!! well the recipes at least! :)

Steeplechase!!!

School ends and I let the fun times begin!!!! I love the Oaks, Derby, Steeplechase that kind of thing where horses race, preppy clothes and big hats are involved! (and betting too but of course TN doesnt allow that. BOO!) My sister and I usually make a trip to the derby every year with a baby to think about and also the fact I had to work the weekend I had to miss out. So I only got Steeplechase this year. (One day i will hit up Keeneland too. It's on my life to do list for one day! hopefully sooner rather than later! :o) )

But Of course we had a blast...bit hats, feastive dresses and this year rain coats and boots! Rained all day, was actually pretty chilly, but us Nashvillians never let that hold us back!

I'm a Godmother!!!

It's official. I am the Godmother to the cutest baby alive!

Carter was baptized April 30, 2011

Here are the lucky parents and the Godparents. Nick chose one of his brother's, Chris, as the Godfather. Is it ironic Carter's God parents are Christy and Chris?... Just saying. LOL

San Fran!

So it has officially been forever. I apologize. If any of you know me you probably haven't really seen me around in a while. Between work, school, traveling and what not I literally don't have a life anymore. Class ends on May the 4th and words can't express my joy and excitement on having the summer off.

Girls trip in April. My friend Beth and I took a long weekend out to San Francisco and to Napa Valley. Can we say amazing. We stayed in a small town called Calistoga at the Calistoga Inn. It was totally precious. It was like we were transported back to the 1940's. You push open the screen door to this really old building into a check in area, you lug your bags up the stairs to these little rooms with one outlet and one mirror and a teeny sink. There is a restaurant and bar underneath and the town is just what you would picture in the movies of the most quaint and cute main street lined with restaurants and shops. I think it is safe to say that Beth and I made our mark on Calistoga.

It's no secret that I love me some wine. So another reason why this part of the world is right up my alley. Beth and I rented bikes one day to do a tour of Napa Valley and to do wine tastings. The weather was perfect, the temperature was just right, and we didn't have to worry with any silly DUI's LOL (wait can you get a DUI on a bicycle?)

Muir Woods may have been my favorite part of the trip. Those trees don't even seem real. At one point in complete awe i know i said outloud "Is this real life!?" I just can't explain the enormity of these giant trees. It was awesome.

We also did the tour of Alcatraz. We took a boat over, had a great audio tour and I was completely intrigued by it all.

We also stayed downtown in San Francisco. We stayed in another very cute hotel. Hotel De Artes. It was a hotel and art museum. Our our hotel room was covered in this amazing super colorful mural. I wish my bedroom at home looked like that. But the whole area was just gorgeous. I would definitely like to go back.

Already looking forward to my next vacation. Florida in may!!!! :)

Christy's Kitchen overload!

I decided I like to bake when A) I have a lot on my mind and B) When I need an instant pick me up. Clearly over the last months I have had a lot on my mind so in my spare time I have been cooking up a storm. Rarely do I bake anything for myself. Either I come across a recipe I want to try, a utensil I want to use, or there is a special occasion at work that give me a good excuse to try my cooking skills out on my co-workers. So here are my latest creations:



A conglamerate of several recipes: Carrot cake cupcakes with a cheesecake filling, topped with creamcheese icing. A-mazing! Def a major crowd pleaser!

Brown Eyed Bakers (one of my new fave food blogs) Chocolate Cupcakes with Chocolate Buttercream icing. Very tasty! I also filled these with the chocolate buttercream icing. I think if i did it over i would put a chocolate ganache in it instead.

Also, another Brown Eyed Baker's receipes: Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Bars. I have rave reviews by co-workers. I think anything with the chocolate peanut butter combo is a winner. Plus these were REALLY easy to make!

Martha Stewart's Strawberry Cupcakes with Strawberry Meringue Buttercream Icing. These were good but I think the icing was too intense to be filled in the middle. Second go around, just the cupcake and the icing on the top. A girl friend and I made these and honeslty I thought they looked just as good as the $3.50 per cupcakes we could have bought.

Last but not least, Sugar cookies with royal icing. Who doesn't love a good ole' sugar cookie? This was my first experience working with and decorating with royal icing and it was alot of fun, but sooo time consuming. My sister and I made these and she actually had the idea to use bottles (like a ketchup or mustard bottle) to decorate with. I must say way less messy!

"Life isn't as serious as the mind makes it out to be."

So I guess it is just that time of year for me to have a car wreck since it was just over a year ago I had my first official wreck.
This time the wreck was my fault though. I always pictured my first wreck (I caused) would either involve texting, playing with my navigation system, putting on make up, or who knows what else that may have grabbed the attention of my A-D-D but this time I have no excuse. I just didn’t turn sharp enough and rammed a poor innocent woman in the turn lane going the other direction.

Monday may rank as my worst day for March (so I am glad to have it out of the way since there is still a few weeks left to the month. Lol). I had worked the weekend and had been stressed about high water and everything involved with working 12 days straight. It was Monday in general. Wedding boy had recently canceled on meeting up the upcoming weekend and canceled on any possibility for the following weekend as well and I had 8 lamps in my car. I was actually headed to take 2 of them back when I rammed the car, so needless to say I had 1001 things on my mind noon on Monday.

If you know me, hearing that I had an emotional breakdown about this time probably wont come as a shock. Firstly, the wreck just scared me in general. I was very lucky as to the fact that no one was hurt…. Even my 8 lamps survived the hit! Our cars were both still driveable and I hit the nicest woman alive!

Kinda ironic that I was the one that hit her but I was the one experiencing the melt down. I was slightly hyperventilating (sorry folks if you have experienced me crying before, it’s one HOT MESS!), talking about ten million words a minute and pretty sure my whole body was trembling. The woman, Lori, I hit just hugged me. And proceeded to give me this inspirational monologue.

She told me things happen. Keep in mind that neither of us were hurt and that maybe God wanted to give me a wake up call to slow down in life and learn to appreciate it more instead of loading down my plate and going 1000 mph. She recommended for me to learn to slow down and also mentioned if I was interested in reading, to read some books by Eckhart Tolle.

Eckhart Tolle is actually the author of two pretty famous book. The Power of Now and The New Earth. I have actually read A New Earth. And I must say it can completely revolutionize your thoughts on living life if you accept it. The website for Eckhart says it best, the books “provoke thought, insight, and smiling reverence for all beings and each moment.” Now I just need to get on the band wagon for reading The Power of Now, because after doing a bit of research it has really envoiked a lot of thought for me. With my life being so busy and my plate being so full I really do need to focus on enjoying every moment given to me. I am passing it forward as “Lori” did to me and recommend reading these book or at least embracing the present moment.
A couple quotes that stand out to me that I need to keep in mind are:
"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."
— Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose)


"Life isn't as serious as the mind makes it out to be."
— Eckhart Tolle


"Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it."
— Eckhart Tolle

"Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is."
— Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment)

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness."
— Eckhart Tolle

"Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of God but the "love" of
ego. However, the intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs."
— Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment)

"Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you."
— Eckhart Tolle

Project Home Improvement

So I have a 10 day break from class and I suddenly don't know what in the world to do with my free time. It's kinda ironic. The whole time during my first class I couldn't wait to just do whatever I wanted, but somewhere in there it is like I have forgotten how to do that. So this week I have over thought work, boys, and re-instated my project home improvement. I bought 8 lamps within two days! 8 lamps (like i said I don't know how to deal with the free time! haha) and the sad part is I still am not satisfied with any of my gagillion lamps!

But I started small with my projects this week. Hung some things on the wall, bought new place settings for my dining room. My lamp extravaganza. Decoring my new exitway piece of furniture, and busting out my new power drill and hanging some stemware holders. Here are some pictures to share:

The Power

Wow, did you know that I have 148 blog posts? Well maybe not 148 that you can read because I have about 15 or so saved drafts of posts titled, "Carebear Stare", or "Dipping the pen in Co Ink" or "Letter's to Juiliet".... I wish i had finished writing them, but its funny even though these drafts are pretty much bare I know exactly what each and everyone of them is referring to, even if it was back in 2009. I can't believe I have been writing a blog since the summer of 2009 (well for most of that time)! Crazy how time flies.

Anyways, back on track. The reason I was looking back through my posts was because I could have sworn I had written a post about one of my wacky theories I refer to as "the power". Now if you are a good friend of mine and more so I guess in college you have undoubtedly heard me refer to the power. The power is key.

There comes a time in every relationship, whether it is a friendship or more, when someone has "the power". It kinda prefaces the whole concept of the Rules which I know I have blogged about before but basically to have the power you have to have someone being vulnerable for you, not vis versa.

For instance you send a friend a text message and she forgets to respond and after about 24 hours you question... Is so and so mad at me? Are they ignoring me? So you text or you call her again. You run through every scenario in your head of what in the world could be wrong. Was it because I said this or because she had a car wreck and her phone has been demolished.... Your mind is consumed by the "what if" in the situation. If and when this has happened...YOU HAVE LOST THE POWER. Not that this is bad in a friendship because it just shows you care about the health of your relationship but clearly it is never good to fall victim to someone at the expense of your stress and emotions and it also brings up a bit of insecurity there.

Now this is even more tricky when it comes to the dating world because at this point both people in the relationship are still deciding whether or not the other is a whack job or not. You don't want to seem too advantageous or needy but you want to still seem interested. But all this gets so confusing in a day in age when (my life is ruled by insecurity) technology and instantaneous information is our way of life. I send an email, text or photo message to someone I generally expect a timely response. If I leave a voicemail I know it isn't on some answering machine but it is in their phone in their pocket waiting to be listened to at any moment.

There comes a cross road when you (well hopefully not you, but generally always for me if I actually start liking the guy) realize you have lost the power with someone in a relationship. When you start catching yourself waiting for their call or text. You look at your phone, Facebook, or email every fifteen minutes for an update. The hard part is you might not realize you are spinning out of control, inch by inch loosing the power, until too much damaged has been done. Maybe it is midway through your second (or tenth) voicemail or text when you realize you are way more concerned about the other person than the other is clearly concerned about you. Once this epiphany comes over you this is your cue to step back.

Maybe put your guard up a bit. Prepare yourself for not getting the call back. And vow to yourself to not do the chasing, let the chasing be done to you because if anything the rules has taught me, if someone likes you they will come get you.

So the rules I am going to make up for this very instance:
1) In case of a one sided text (aka one that doesn't require a response). Read it, enjoy the fact you got the text and move on. If the text does not require anymore of your attention don't let it. Don't think about it. Move on. If they want to talk to you more they will send another text.
2) Don't call him. If he calls, feel out the situation and make sure you are the one that ends the convo. Period.
3) Do not use Facebook as a middle man. Do not look at his page for updates, and do not post status' just because you think he will read them.
4) Once you realize that you have lost control, do not bring him up in conversation. Not with your mother, not with your best friend, not with a co-worker. If asked about him, just change the subject. There is no need to give him more thought than necessary. If he isn't thinking about you, why should you think about him. Regain power of your brain and your relationship!
5) It isn't a question of if but when you will slip up. When you catch yourself slipping restate to yourself "Must regain Power" and/or "I am worth the chase (even if i acted like a stalker two days ago)".
6) As much as we like to say we don't believe in games, bull shit. Our minds are naturally competitive. No matter how much we like to pretend we like things to be honest and simple, for some reason everything turns out complicated. So you might bring on your A game and make him work for it. Men love to feel like they've "won".

Yes, man!

So news on the horizon. I got an A on my first MBA class. Can I get a woot woot? Start my next class in less than an week and even before the first class I already have a ba-jillion reading assignments. Go figure right?

And other things on the horizon... I may visit wedding boy next weekend. This is still TBD. I am sure you all will read all about it if it comes to pass.

Also, getting amped up on the upcoming spring and gardening season. Expect bigger and better news about that!

And the last exciting news I can think of, I joined the stock market. I have in the past taken on the whole "live in the moment" concept in my life. It is so easy for me to get side tracked from this whole idea so I have kinda modified it to be more of "take risks in life" kinda motto.

I don't want to get to the end of the year and think what did I do with this year and say just work and school. I want to say that I have lived, that I have taken risks, that I've loved or attempted to, that I gave life a chance instead of shoving it into silos of "after grad school" or "when I have more free time".

So I got to thinking: Let's make life fun, what risks am I going to make today?
1) Even though I don't have a ton of funds I decided to say yes to a trip to Napa Valley in April
2) Even though this boy and this whole situation scares me, I totally put my pride on the line and was completely vulnerable to rejection when i asked if i could go visit wedding boy
3) I put $500 into the stock market
4) Planning a trip to South Carolina, Germany, and hopefully also Vegas this year (plus already made a trip to Opelika, AL and Nola this year so far!)
5)Bought my second piece of furniture from a store, brand new. Besides my cheap couch, I have only bought used furniture or passed down furniture.

And while I hope this list is just the beginning, I encourage you to have more of a "yes man" attitude towards life. Say yes even though you really want to say no to someone. Go out of your way to do something. Take a chance, make a risk, and do it like a bad ass!

The Martha's of the world

Martha Stewart….. now I don’t know much about her as a person. I mean I know she was a model when she was younger and then she apparently tyrantly (and even illegally) worked her way up to be the homemaker she is today but I have to admit minus those details that everyone holds over her head- I love her. I love the idea of her probably more so. I love her cook books, I love her magazine, I love her website, I love her cute ideas, I like the stuff she sales at K-mart, Michaels, ect…. She not only has 2 bachelor degrees, but she can cook, sew, create, garden, organize, host… and I am sure those are just the tip of the iceberg. She is what I like to think of a well rounded woman.

Being classified as one of those well rounded women is something I truly aspire for. I have groomed myself with a good education and I am currently working on another degree. I am constantly trying new recipes, love having people over for dinner, and love treating my co-workers with my latest homemade creation. I took sewing classes so when I wanted, I would be able to whip up a pillow or some sort of sewing project just because I got the whim to. I took a cake decorating class to get the inside scoop on how to make a homecake look off the chain. I bought a house so I could put my finesse into something and work on my own garden and landscaping. At one point in my life I put a lot of effort into playing music, more specifically the piano. While my skills are a bit out of practice I can still read music, always looking for great new artists, and have the utmost respect for musicians. I studied studio art in college and got my minor in oil painting. While again my skills are rusty I know if I had the time I could sit down and make something beautiful.

I don’t just want to be a homemaker (gotta find a husband and have a family before I have a true home but….) but I just want to be a well versed person. I may not be passionate but I try to keep up to date, to some degree, with sports, current events, books, religion, and building my friend and family life.

My mother and my grandmother (her mom) are some of the Martha Stewart’s of the world. And I think I just see how amazing they are as people and as women. They are my inspiration in life. I know I wont ever quite get there but it’s a good goal to aim for.

Life and its curve balls

Sometimes life throws us interesting curve balls. Doors open, doors close.... life happens in between and we are here to make a world out of it. It really is amazing to me how we live within a series of events and cause and effects. You may be questioning what I am getting at but I promise I will unravel the details but a little insight: Tonights topic of choice is going to be, I guess for lack of a better word, love or I guess just the quest of it.

Chain reaction in play:. I went to a wedding. At that wedding I met a boy. Even though the boy lived far from me, he followed up. Then he came to visit. I realized he was amazing.

Sounds soo simple written out. And actually it is really simple. Two people were attracted to each other, and decided to get to know each other better. But then emotions and the real world make it complicated (well let's be honest, probably only in my head they get complicated).

I don't guess you could say I "hit it off" with a lot of people. I wont say i have been unlucky in love because honestly I haven't but I haven't been lucky enough yet to find the one that sweeps me off my feet and says they can't live their life without me yet. I have had my heart broken into thousand pieces after a 5 year relationship. I was crushed when the first guy I liked in Nashville dropped me like it was hot. I put up with a jerk for a whole year because for some reason I was massively infatuated with him. And since then I have dated pretty much every type of man, confessed my crazy (un-reciprocated) thoughts to a guy friend , and have learned so much about myself, what I want in someone else, and everything in between in the process.

(Tonight's Valentine's Day so I will contribute 75% of all these crazy love thoughts due to the mere fact its a holiday that makes a girl fully aware of her current situation.)

But I think i caught a glimpse of what everyone talks about. What "hitting it off" feels like. And I must say it's amazing. It makes me realize what I am holding out for. Why I'm not going to settle. Why none of the people in the past have worked out. Now I wont get ahead of myself here. Wedding boy may just be a boy I spent an amazing weekend with but yesterday when he left I felt happiness I haven't felt in a VERY long time. I felt hope. I felt lucky to have gotten the chance to have such a great weekend with someone. After years of unreciprocated love, bad dates, and jerks I realized that maybe I could find love again. That a great guy can actually like me. That I deserve a guy that will treat me amazing.
BUT I wont deny at the same time, I'm kind of sad. I'm sad because he lives far away. I'm sad because its like someone giving me a sample without the option of buying. I'm sad because I don't know if I will ever actually see him again. I'm sad because even if we both admit we like each other the chances or us giving a relationship a fair shot (if he would even consider it) will be very difficult. It makes me frustrated with curve balls in life because now there is this person that I just happenstance met that will now leave a mark on me. Dealing with all the "wrong men" has given me such an appreciation for the good ones, and when you find someone amazing it's hard not to try to hold on.

I have NO idea what lies in store for wedding boy and me... and honestly not knowing excites me. The unknown is the beauty of life because only time will tell and decide what other curve balls it will throw in my life path. On one note, where there is a will there is a way, and the on another note, (And while the word love is clearly a bit strong for this instance) Isn't it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

I'm going to end with a quote I ironically came across this morning.
"If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If i didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will."

What's free time?

Sometimes life just doesn't allocate us enough time to do everything and for me the last few weeks one of those activities has been blogging. Since I have talked to you all last I stayed a week with my sister and her family, started grad school, and tried to have a life in the mean time. A trip to NOLA, a wedding, working the weekend.... it has been such an adjustment. I work my full time job, to then go study or go to class everynight, get home at 1030, do more school work and then sleep and do it all over again. Just last week someone was like, "So what does it feel like to be a grad student?" and all i said was it feels like having no life! haha I think I ran myself so hard my body couldn't take it. I got a stomach virus. The sickiest I can remember being since like 4th grade. Then followed that up with a cold that never seemed to get better. My schedule definitley did not allocate suffiecient time to be sick and get everything on the agenda done. It was miserable.

I never dreamed starting grad school again would be so life altering. I knew I was rusty in terms of my studying and time management skills but it really has been an eye opener. I can't even describe to you how scared I was going into class that first day. I didn't have any idea what to expect. Will I be the youngest person? The least experienced person? One of the only females? Will I not be as smart as everyone else? Will I be able to do this? But now a month in I can say fully that while this challenege has been insane it has been amazing. I can see a total shift in my critical thinking skills. I have learned to say no (something I hate doing... never want to miss out on anything) and practiced the idea of prioritizing what's the most important on my to do list. And I realized I don't necessarily give myself enough credit in the "smarts" department. I have met some amazing people through this first class and I am so glad I finally took the pludge to better my future.

Just 9.5 more classes to go! LOL