We started trying for baby #2 in September. I had no idea if it would take no time or lots of time. Our first child came so easy. First try, no issues or complications. It was so easy. But I am older now, and generally I would never describe much of anything as easy for me. When the first month came and went after a real college try I wondered where this journey would lead us.
October's came and I knew this was probably not our month. If September was a bust after all the tracking and trying then there was no way October would work because I was traveling the most important week with only a 1 day layover at home.... I was hopeful November would be our month.
November came quickly and I was looking forward to going to a local a wine festival. All you could drink wine.... My dream come true. I decided a couple days prior to my expected period, and the morning of the wine fest, to take a pregnancy test. Ya know- Just in case. I remember sitting on the toilet and thinking, is that really a second line? Straining my eyes, shining my iphone light on it... It took me all of that second to be overcome with excitement. I ran into the other room and said "There is a second line. We're pregnant!". My husband was insistent he didn't see anything and kept telling me to not get ahead of myself. Looking back I feel like this conversation was foreshadowing for what was really to come.
It was that day, November 10th, I became a dreamer of the life inside me and our life to come. July 17th was our expected due date and I had visions of my summer bundle of joy... I've always wanted to have a baby in the summer months just like me. At 5-6 weeks I told my closest friends. I told random strangers at stores. We revealed the news to my family on Thanksgiving day by my 2 year old son showing off his "Big Brother in Training Shirt". We were all so excited and we planned to tell my mother in law on December 8th when she was going to visit for the weekend.
But that December 8th reveal never happened.... December 5th I woke to some slight spotting. Doctor mentioned first trimester spotting isn't unheard of and I would go in the next day for an ultrasound. By the next morning the spotting was a little bit worse but I got to the ultrasound and you could see the baby on the screen and a heart beat, could this really be OK? Of course the ultrasound tech can't tell you anything. Ish finally arrived and we anxiously waited in the room for my OBGYN where she later informed us the baby was still alive but measuring 2 weeks behind schedule at 6 weeks when I should be measuring in the 8 week range and the heart rate was only 84 and should be around 100. In her opinion it was not a viable pregnancy and it was just a matter or time before I officially miscarry. She warned me of the pain and back work I went waiting on my impending doom, whenever that would be.
I ate lunch at my desk like nothing was happening, I went about my afternoon acting like nothing was happening and then all of a sudden I just couldn't pretend any more and just burst wide open. I headed home a few minutes early, just in the nick of time, as about half way home the miscarriage began.... Let's just say I am glad I had black leather car seats. I spent the next five hours having what felt like giving birth/contractions passing huge amounts of clots and tissue... and then it was done.
I feel like looking back I have handled the loss pretty well but something about Christmas just makes the emotions swirl. I am just so lucky I got to see my baby before he/she went to heaven. That little bean wasn't meant to be but I know there are so much great days ahead and I will cherish every moment of this Christmas with my husband and son and dream of what next Chrsitmas will look like.
Happy new year!
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