Porky Pig

All my life I have been fat. Some years fatter than others, but always fat. Even when I thought I was thin, wearing a 14/16, I was still 50 pounds heavier than doctors wanted me to be. I must admit I have tried very hard over the last 30 years to not let this "fat" detail about me define me. I have aimed to have the personality, the grades, the job, the trendy clothes, shoes and handbags. I was popular in high school and college. I have worn spanx, perfected good hair and makeup, and God blessed me with a pretty face and nice calves. All and all the first 25 years of my life I was able to slide by as a pretty normal person.

But the last couple years the 90 pounds I have gradually gained since I moved to Nashville have tipped the scales, literally and figuratively. I can no longer hid behind a cute face and outfit. Even a cute outfit looks ugly on an almost 300 lb person.

Most of the time I don't think of myself of this huge morbidly obese person that I am. I am in general a happy person and don't dwell on my size. My husband seems to love me the way I am, and I guess since I have always been fat it doesn't always phase me but then there are times when the rose colored glasses fall off and I see how people really see me.

I see a candid picture on facebook that shows all my chins and stomach/back rolls. I break right threw a step on a swimming pool ladder in front of a crowd of people. Playing charades, someone describing says "its like you" when trying to name Porky Pig. You stress over flying in an airplane, about the seatbelt and seat size and who is going to sit by you, to then be welcomed by your worst nightmare when accosted about crowding the person next to me in the middle seat. For the flight attendant eyeing my when he is holding a candy bar and telling me not to get any ideas. To turn down trips to amusement parks because you can't fit in the rides. To go into the store and not fit into a the largest "plus" size anymore. For your family to tell you "I wish you were smaller". All these little things add up emotionally.

I'm not stupid... I know eat less, move more. That is the secret to weight loss. So why can't I do it? I have lost the same 20 pounds a number of times. I just don't know what to do with myself. Why can't I have the willpower for more in my life? I just want so much more for myself, for my family and for my future. I just don't know how to get there. #frustrated