I know I mentioned in the last post that I started dating a great guy. I have yet to write about him because I don't want to jinx anything because everything has been so wonderful because He is wonderful. Not only is he a good catch on paper (Has a good job, good family, a nice place to live, a good car…) but he is just an all around great guy. He's sweet, thoughtful, funny, smart, has a smile and laugh that can light up any room, he is sooo much fun to be around, super dependable, he touches base, but most importantly, he makes me so happy. He's someone I want to see every day. Even after 6 months, I still get a little sad every time we say good bye… I just wish our moments together were a slower version of time. I know all this sounds silly. But it's all true.
I have written time and time again on here about men. About how they treat me wrong. But this guy is different. We were set up by a mutual friend and I remember how nervous I was the first time we met. (so nervous I ordered 3 vodka drinks at 5 in the afternoon and talked 1000 miles per minute LOL) I remember he was wearing a blue polo shirt and he had the cutest smile. He seemed sooo nice but I honestly was at my lowest point in trust in men and I just assumed he was going to be like every other man I had ever dated….I never imagined that I would fall in love with him.
But now I'm scared. You know those instances when you don't want to say something unless you know the other person feels mutual? Well love is one of them, and I let my love cat out of the bag. I honestly thought the feelings were mutual but when I dropped the L bomb I got nothing but silence in return. On one hand I am grateful that if he doesn't feel the same way he didn't just say it back because that would just be leading me on. But on the other hand, why didn't he say anything in return? I didnt need an I love you to feel great about this, but I needed some sort of affirmation he was on the same page, (or at least same chapter) as I am…. Basically anything but silence. I mean, is he scared to say I love you? Or is he just too scared to say he likes me but doesn't love me… Maybe he is at the point where he knows he likes spending time with me, and doesn't want to give that up yet but knows he doesn't love me and is just riding the wave until I beg for his opinion on the matter?
I just don't know and after getting advice from an older male colleague I feel even more down because he was pretty insistent this is a huge red flag and that it most likely was not a good thing he couldn't or I guess didn't reciprocate some sort of feelings to me…. As much as I would like to say I am stronger woman than this…. I am letting it affect me and our relationship, which probably in turn makes all this worse. I'm over analyzing everything, overly sensitive, and completely and utterly insecure. And unfortunately, you can't hide that kind of insecurity. Its like I am just waiting for the day for him to break up with me or admit to me he doesn't feel the same way.
I just wish I could take saying it back. Then I could go on assuming he felt the same way as me and I could continue living in giddy love land. Ugh...
