I'm Scared

I know I mentioned in the last post that I started dating a great guy. I have yet to write about him because I don't want to jinx anything because everything has been so wonderful because He is wonderful. Not only is he a good catch on paper (Has a good job, good family, a nice place to live, a good car…) but he is just an all around great guy. He's sweet, thoughtful, funny, smart, has a smile and laugh that can light up any room, he is sooo much fun to be around, super dependable, he touches base, but most importantly, he makes me so happy. He's someone I want to see every day. Even after 6 months, I still get a little sad every time we say good bye… I just wish our moments together were a slower version of time.  I know all this sounds silly. But it's all true.

I have written time and time again on here about men. About how they treat me wrong. But this guy is different. We were set up by a mutual friend and I remember how nervous I was the first time we met. (so nervous I ordered 3 vodka drinks at 5 in the afternoon and talked 1000 miles per minute LOL) I remember he was wearing a blue polo shirt and he had the cutest smile. He seemed sooo nice but I  honestly was at my lowest point in trust in men and I just assumed he was going to be like every other man I had ever dated….I never imagined that I would fall in love with him.

But now I'm scared. You know those instances when you don't want to say something unless you know the other person feels mutual? Well love is one of them, and I let my love cat out of the bag. I honestly thought the feelings were mutual but when I dropped the L bomb I got nothing but silence in return. On one hand I am grateful that if he doesn't feel the same way he didn't just say it back because that would just be leading me on. But on the other hand, why didn't he say anything in return? I didnt need an I love you to feel great about this, but I needed some sort of affirmation he was on the same page, (or at least same chapter) as I am…. Basically anything but silence. I mean, is he scared to say I love you? Or is he just too scared to say he likes me but doesn't love me… Maybe he is at the point where he knows he likes spending time with me, and doesn't want to give that up yet but knows he doesn't love me and is just riding the wave until I beg for his opinion on the matter?

I just don't know and after getting advice from an older male colleague I feel even more down because he was pretty insistent this is a huge red flag and that it most likely was not a good thing he couldn't or I guess didn't reciprocate some sort of feelings to me…. As much as I would like to say I am stronger woman than this…. I am letting it affect me and our relationship, which probably in turn makes all this worse. I'm over analyzing everything, overly sensitive, and completely and utterly insecure. And unfortunately, you can't hide that kind of insecurity. Its like I am just waiting for the day for him to break up with me or admit to me he doesn't feel the same way.

 I just wish I could take saying it back. Then I could go on assuming he felt the same way as me and I could continue living in giddy love land. Ugh...

Backsplash

If you know me and my house, you know there is little or never times when I don't have some sort of house project or work that needs to be completed. My latest project has been installing a new back splash in my kitchen. Originally I thought it would be fun to take on the tasks of learning how to install a tile back splash myself but when it came down to it I didn't think I could take on the task A)without dropping alot of cash and B) most likely messing it up (costing me even more money!) haha. Just memories of my bathroom remodel and how many times they had to tear out their tile made me cringe... and they were considered professionals!

Before

So I found a decent alternative- Thermoplastic Panels. It was fairly cheap and after watching a few instructional videos on YouTube I thought it was going to be super easy. BigCat and I worked two nights in a row. What sounded easy... cutting out plastic panels and taping them up turned into a long but in my opinion a super fun experience to share together.



During



Lessons we learned: 1) Don't start a home improvement project at night... by 10:30 your mind and motor skills are shot. 2) Nothing is as quick and easy as you expect and 3) there will be accidents. Prime example is BigCat getting electrocuted by my stove. LOL



Finished Product

Happy Holidays

So it has offiicially been forever since I have posted. Since I last posted in August I have finished another MBA class, started dating a great guy (I'll refer to him on here as BigCat), after 31 years of marriage my parents have separated/filing for divorce, my nephew has turned 1, I have traveled to Spain and Germany to visit my bestie, and lots of little things here, there, and in between.

My mom sister and I also started a baking blog I will admit I have been much more dedicated to it than this blog. Baking, as you know from several of my posts over the past few years has always been a passion of mine and the women of my family. Please check out our site: http://www.buttercreambakers.com/. Candid life of Christy is more of an anynoumous blog since I touch on lots of personal topics that I wouldn't share to an average person upon meeting them but Buttercream Bakers will fill you in on my domestic goddess side showing off all the kitchen creations I have been cooking up the last few months.

I promise to keep the posts flowing better in the future. In the meantime, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Bathroom Remodel

I love my house but there is one thing I wish I could change about it. It's 1/2 bath. Originally when I was looking to buy houses my realtor convinced me (my now house) this property would be a prime candidate to add a shower to the half bath making it fit my criteria in the home search. I lived in the house about a year before my inspiration came. I went to Birmingham a bridal shower and stayed at one my sorority sisters new house that she just so happened to have remodeled. Her house was almost identical to mine except she had 2 full baths...and when I saw her amazing, super beautiful shower, I knew what I had to do when I got back to Nashville.... Build a amazing, super beautiful shower for myself!







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Before Picture: Putting a shower in place of the hall closet (middle door in picture)

 

Before Picture

After meetings with 4 different contracts, a dozen trips to Home Depot, Lowes, and tiles stores, I finally made my decision on my purchases and contractor. The project was estimated to take 3 days.... But two months later we finally got to use my new shower!

Where the hallway closest used to be




 





Cracked Tiles



In the process they had to rip out tile 3 times... let's just say I must be a horrible judge of character cause I picked a horrible contractor. They must have underestimated just how observant I am. These two tiles are just a few of the many issues we came across.

cracked tiles




I don't have any great pictures of the final project. New vanity, medicine cabinet and shower together but hopefully I will get one up there for ya soon!

Psych!

Have you ever just had one of those moments that for a brief period of time you can see a window into what could be your future? Last night I had one of those epiphanies. I pictured myself living in this big house with a big yard in the country with a couple kids running around. I could see Wedding Boy next to me, we were laughing, over flowing with happiness at our life and love for each other. In my head it all felt so simple and perfect.

These fantasy thoughts and day dreams are always what I have referred to as “Christy’s Crazy Thoughts”. Ideas that are fun to think about but never what I would ever call realisitic. It has been 6 months since I have seen wedding boy. At that time we both decided to take a step back from our feelings and what was going on but we have kept in contact. Our friendship has always been one of the strongest things about us. Even though we live 6 hours away both of us have known since we met that we could talk to each other about anything, could call the other and they would actually pick up, and we both know exactly what to say to put a smile on the other person’s face… But the truth is we are both scardy cats. We are both so independent and content with our current lives that the 6 hours distance between us has hovered like a tornado at all times stirring around emotions, thoughts, and wants pushing our potential right out of our minds.

BUT last night after a week of consistent text messaging and the occasional phone call I think it just hit Wedding boy. It started with a text saying you could convince me to go to Vegas and get married, which then lead to a phone conversation that left him saying, “why don’t we just do it?”… It was the closest thing to a marriage proposal I have ever experienced. He went on and said it was hard for him to put his emotions into words but he said he didn’t just date to date that he only considers relationships if he could see them as his wife and having his kids and that me and him just click. The physical and emotional chemistry is both there and he confessed how much he has thought about me over the last 6 months... He said he would be willing to just take the risk; go to Vegas and get married by Elvis. The scary part is I was feeling everything he was expressing too and if he had truly asked me to go, I would have actually thought about it. (cue Christy's Crazy Thoughts mentioned above! haha)

But, I’m just not spontaneous enough to make a life long decision so rashly and with someone I have spent so little one on one time with. When the crazy thoughts of Elvis finally passed and the normal talk of maybe we should just try to hang out again both our Crazy Thoughts burst. How do two busy people that live so far away from each other make this work? Should we actually try to give this a shot or are we crazy? Talk, talk talk… What to do, how do we truly feel, what is going on. Then it hit me, I will be headed close to his home town in a month for a wedding for one of his friends. I told him that is our perfect opportunity to see each other. He could be my date and we could just see what would happen and all he left me with was…. “But that day is the opening day for bow season in Mississippi.”

Some things never change. Today I wake up and push back all those emotions that he dragged back out of me as far down in my mind and soul as I can. Even after basically proposing, when it comes down to it, Wedding Boy just doesn't seem to really want to ever change his life or prioriities to accomodate something that yes, would be be a leap of faith, but also could open the door for something potentially amazing.

There is a saying that goes something like, people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime and right now God has me questioning which one of those options Wedding Boy will eventually fall under for me. But as I have said many times before, these questions and uncertantiies are what makes life so beautiful and exciting and I just have to keep faith in God and his plans for me.

Cheers; to the Journey, to the blessing of life , and to amazing things in store for all our futures!

the big 2-6

So another birthday has come and gone. I am officially now 26 and I can't think of a another birthday where I have felt so blessed. Greeted at work with a huge buffet of breakfast food cooked by my co-workers to be followed with receiving one of the most beautiful flower arrangments from my sister and her family to later do some celebrating at the casino with my family. Couldn't end the day withoute one of my mother's infamous cakes! Mmmmm makes me hungry just thinking about it! LOL

My sister and her family drove down for the weekend . Carter is getting so big and I just love him so much. He really has been such a blessing and getting to see him was one of the best birthday present of all.

After the weekend was over, I returned back to nashville to be surrounded with 12 of my favorite people over dinner and cake. I really couldn't ask for much more! I am truly blessed and hope 27 brings me just as much happiness!

New Car!

So the time finally came where my precious 2006 Honda Accord was approaching 100K, new timing belt, new tires, electrical issues with the over head lights and the cigarrette lighter plugs. Man did I love that car, but with a high trade in value, my hard earned saved cash and some financing I decided it was time for me to be a real adult and buy a new car. Three weeks after much pondering, comparing and contrasting and quite a few dealerships visits, I finally decided on my new ride! A 2011 Toyota Venza! I am so excited to have my first SUV and to have a red car again! :)

Christy wins best supporting actress!!!

So yesterday’s weight watcher meeting was talking about the people around you that support you not only just in life but specifically your weightloss journey. My leader called it who wins the “best supporting actor/actress” award in your life. It was a very good lesson and really made it apparent how important it is to surround yourself with good support and positivity.

At one point the leader asked the group who in the room had been a “supporting actress” for them throughout our WW Journey. I was shocked to hear that several of the women in the group said my name! I think I beamed with pride and happiness at that moment but then hours later as I was heading to dinner it hit me that while I am clearly very helpful, positive, and supportive of these women I do not offer myself the same treatment. My weight is constantly yo-yoing, some days I’m hot & other days I am cold about my weightloss journey, I am my own worst critic and enemy, and when it comes to the way I look and losing weight I am most definitely glass half empty….

I find it funny that I really do have the ut-most respect, motivation, and attitude for the ladies in my group. I know they can do it! So why can’t I feel that way about myself? Why is it sooo easy for me to build other people up in this regard when I can’t help but tear myself down about the same exact things?

Is this all worth it?

If you know me very well, you know one thing about me is that I am very trusting… probably too trusting. But after being lied to and mistreated so many times how am I ever supposed to trust anyone?! The world had proved to me to be full of Crap!

I’m a blunt person. I believe honesty is always the best policy. I hate liars and am totally against lying. Yet, somehow I have managed to surround myself by men that like to lie to me.

Just two weeks ago a guy from out of town that has been a good friend and pursing a real date with me calls me while at work and asks me out for the weekend. I unfortunately already had plans but promised the first chance to make it work, we would…. 4 days later he shows up in Nashville in the middle of the week (a day I have absolutely no plans), doesn’t tell me he is coming and when I randomly bump into him he tells me he was avoiding me because he was going out with another girl in Nashville…. (really!?)

Guys that send you late night texts or call you tipsy to confess their love to only be told the next day that the only reason they call me is when they get drunk is because they are lonely and they know I will answer the phone. Nice…..

Wedding boy… quickly became one of my closest friends. We had so much in common, could talk for hours, I was extremely attracted to him and felt the feeling was mutual….. a relationship with such potential with the exception of the distance… At least that is what he told me. A month and a half in, he decided to turn into Mister Hot and Cold….. Three weeks in a row he woo’ed me with making plans with me and every time something magically came up the day we were supposed to get together. One night I finally called him out on his actions and how I didn’t think it was fair to me, and somehow he managed to guilt me into thinking all of this was my fault and hung up on me.…. He dropped me like it was hot with no explanation for basically two months until I got a call him apologizing for his behavior and the actual problem the whole time was he was still hung up on his Ex. Why couldn’t he have just told me that and saved me all that grief and emotions!?

My favorite has been the last guy I hung out with…. I clearly am a bit skeptical about men and apparently it was pretty apparent. He loaded me down day after day with how great of a catch I am. That he was different and he was going to treat me the way I deserved, and for the small time we were involved he did. He would run around to open my car door. He pulled my chair out at the table. We were talking about planning a trip in the next couple weeks. He held my hand frequently. He gave me amazing hugs. He whispered to me in public how beautiful I was. Instead of going to the movies like we planned we ended up talking for hours, and both of us sat there saying how comfortable and amazing we feel with each other. Even after such a short time he said he could imagine spending the rest of his life with me and how much he wanted to introduce me to his family. I thought I had struck gold. Not only had I found this man that treated me so amazing but I liked him so much back in return…. (Which as we know sometimes I never like the guys that seem to like me. ) but then reality struck… even after our amazing dates and conversations something must have gone wrong because I haven’t heard from him….. Words can’t express how heart wrenching for me this has been for me over the last few days to go from being on cloud nine to be brought down lower than you feel you have been in a very long time.

What I really want to do is call him and be like how could you do this to me!? You promised me you were different. How could you just literally fall off the face of the planet and do the things you were so disgusted by that other men had done to me? But I called and got no response. I texted and all I got was, I’m busy-will text you later texts….I’m not this pathetic girl. I am not going to chase after a boy like this. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me…

Maybe I just care too much. Maybe I just take things to the heart too quickly. Clearly I must be doing something wrong to keep getting hurt over and over again by men. Now I am consumed with the baggage of extreme fears of getting hurt. How can I ever trust anyone when my heart has been played like a fiddle so many times? My strings are getting so worn out and tired. When will I find someone that wont just screw me over…. And at the end of the day I wonder, is all this hurt and pain worth it?

Bachelorette Par-Tay!

Just got back from my second bachelorette party for the year. This time was Fort Walton Beach, Florida. It was sooo much fun. 8 girls, pent house of a beach resort, 85 degree weather and not a cloud in the sky. So what do women do at the beach for a bachelorette party besides lay out, drink, and go out.... they take pole dancing classes!!!!

Friday night we hit up a place called Tabu where we were greeted with refreshments, a pair of stripper tall shoes and a room full of poles for our pole dancing pleasure! Can we say pole dancing is hard!? I have a new found respect for strippers. I have never been to a stripe club but holy moly it takes some mighty strength to pull off those skills!

We all had a blast and left the studio covered in bruises, sore muscles and big smiles. Def a very fun bachelorette party activity that I think any young lady should try for a good work out and a fun time!