misscarriage

Today I would have been 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Christmas would have been so different- so much more hopeful. The talks of the future, getting little presents for the baby and for my growing belly. But that isn't the story I have to tell.

We started trying for baby #2 in September. I had no idea if it would take no time or lots of time. Our first child came so easy. First try, no issues or complications. It was so easy. But I am older now, and generally I would never describe much of anything as easy for me. When the first month came and went after a real college try I wondered where this journey would lead us. 

October's came and I knew this was probably not our month. If September was a bust after all the tracking and trying then there was no way October would work because I was traveling the most important week with only a 1 day layover at home.... I was hopeful November would be our month.  

November came quickly and I was looking forward to going to a local a wine festival. All you could drink wine.... My dream come true. I decided a couple days prior to my expected period, and the morning of the wine fest, to take a pregnancy test. Ya know- Just in case. I remember sitting on the toilet and thinking, is that really a second line? Straining my eyes, shining my iphone light on it... It took me all of that second to be overcome with excitement. I ran into the other room and said "There is a second line. We're pregnant!". My husband was insistent he didn't see anything and kept telling me to not get ahead of myself. Looking back I feel like this conversation was foreshadowing for what was really to come.

It was that day,  November 10th, I became a dreamer of the life inside me and our life to come. July 17th was our expected due date and I had visions of my summer bundle of joy... I've always wanted to have a baby in the summer months just like me. At 5-6 weeks I told my closest friends. I told random strangers at stores. We revealed the news to my family on Thanksgiving day by my 2 year old son showing off his "Big Brother in Training Shirt". We were all so excited and we planned to tell my mother in law on December 8th when she was going to visit for the weekend. 

But that December 8th reveal never happened.... December 5th I woke to some slight spotting. Doctor mentioned first trimester spotting isn't unheard of and I would go in the next day for an ultrasound. By the next morning the spotting was a little bit worse but I got to the ultrasound and you could see the baby on the screen and a heart beat, could this really be OK? Of course the ultrasound tech can't tell you anything. Ish finally arrived and we anxiously waited in the room for my OBGYN where she later informed us the baby was still alive but measuring 2 weeks behind schedule at 6 weeks when I should be measuring in the 8 week range and the heart rate was only 84 and should be around 100. In her opinion it was not a viable pregnancy and it was just a matter or time before I officially miscarry. She warned me of the pain and back work I went waiting on  my impending doom, whenever that would be. 

I ate lunch at my desk like nothing was happening, I went about my afternoon acting like nothing was happening  and then all of a sudden I just couldn't pretend any more and just burst wide open.  I headed home a few minutes early, just in the nick of time, as about half way home the miscarriage began.... Let's just say I am glad I had black leather car seats. I spent the next five hours having what felt like giving birth/contractions passing huge amounts of clots and tissue... and then it was done. 

I feel like looking back I have handled the loss pretty well but something about Christmas just makes the emotions swirl. I am just so lucky I got to see my baby before he/she went to heaven. That little bean wasn't meant to be but I know there are so much great days ahead and I will cherish every moment of this Christmas with my husband and son and dream of what next Chrsitmas will look like. 

Happy new year! 

Porky Pig

All my life I have been fat. Some years fatter than others, but always fat. Even when I thought I was thin, wearing a 14/16, I was still 50 pounds heavier than doctors wanted me to be. I must admit I have tried very hard over the last 30 years to not let this "fat" detail about me define me. I have aimed to have the personality, the grades, the job, the trendy clothes, shoes and handbags. I was popular in high school and college. I have worn spanx, perfected good hair and makeup, and God blessed me with a pretty face and nice calves. All and all the first 25 years of my life I was able to slide by as a pretty normal person.

But the last couple years the 90 pounds I have gradually gained since I moved to Nashville have tipped the scales, literally and figuratively. I can no longer hid behind a cute face and outfit. Even a cute outfit looks ugly on an almost 300 lb person.

Most of the time I don't think of myself of this huge morbidly obese person that I am. I am in general a happy person and don't dwell on my size. My husband seems to love me the way I am, and I guess since I have always been fat it doesn't always phase me but then there are times when the rose colored glasses fall off and I see how people really see me.

I see a candid picture on facebook that shows all my chins and stomach/back rolls. I break right threw a step on a swimming pool ladder in front of a crowd of people. Playing charades, someone describing says "its like you" when trying to name Porky Pig. You stress over flying in an airplane, about the seatbelt and seat size and who is going to sit by you, to then be welcomed by your worst nightmare when accosted about crowding the person next to me in the middle seat. For the flight attendant eyeing my when he is holding a candy bar and telling me not to get any ideas. To turn down trips to amusement parks because you can't fit in the rides. To go into the store and not fit into a the largest "plus" size anymore. For your family to tell you "I wish you were smaller". All these little things add up emotionally.

I'm not stupid... I know eat less, move more. That is the secret to weight loss. So why can't I do it? I have lost the same 20 pounds a number of times. I just don't know what to do with myself. Why can't I have the willpower for more in my life? I just want so much more for myself, for my family and for my future. I just don't know how to get there. #frustrated 

In a blink of an eye... clots.

It's so crazy to think how 1 single event can greatly affect someone's life. Some for the better... A poor person winning the lottery. That blind date you didn't want to go on that ended up being the love of your life. Taking a new job you were scared to accept which lead to the career of your dreams and SO many more possible combinations of positive cause and effects. But some events are not so great... A bad car wreck, a break up, got fired.... In 1 second, the way you know life can change in an instant. I have one of these type of stories to tell.

This past super bowl Sunday, my DIY self decided instead of paying the painter that had quoted me $100 (yes, only $100), that I would do it myself. Everything done except the fireplace and I knew that part would be a cinch.... Literally half way through the project, I jumped off the base of the fire place and completely turned my ankle. Why didn't I just hire the painter?

Unfortunately, around a week after spraining my ankle I started back tracking....the pain had gone from mild back to excruciating right above my right ankle. It felt like when I walked my muscles were going to rip from the bone, like I had a pulled muscle or a charlie horse all the time..... The thought of having to walk turned into a living nightmare. From ace bandages, IcyHot, hot baths, and even using a rolling pin on my calf muscle, I had ran out of options. I broke down just shy of 2 weeks after my accident and went to an ankle and foot specialist. X-rays came back fine, and he said my sprain was healing great but he thought my pain was caused by tendinitis in the muscle that connects my foot arch to my lower leg. He put me in a boot to wear a couple weeks and sent me on my way. I was a happy camper and was so thankful nothing was broken in my ankle.

Valentine's weekend followed and the thought of celebrating made me cringe... I spent the weekend in the house gracing the couch as my husband pampered me. By Sunday I thought, I think I'm getting better! Winter graced us with snow and Monday we got to spend another day on the mend working from home.  Tuesday, 5 days after visiting the ankle specialist, the snow and ice were still pretty  bad and I decided I would set up shop again at home. I got up and showered like I do every morning before work. Little did I know that shower would be the last time I would feel 'normal' for weeks.

The walk from the bedroom to our living room that morning left me winded. I was like "geez, we need to get out of the house, I'm out of breath and being house riden the last few weeks has really gotten me out of shape!". I get up to get a glass of water and think OMG I'm still breathing heavy. I kept saying to my Ish, "am I just crazy or am I breathing heavy?" I can remember saying it like 50 times...  I'm sitting there and I think I can feel my heart racing.I take work calls and have to gasp between sentences...  I decided to bust out WebMD... Every symptom I click on gives me a warning "go to the hospital" but everyone knows WebMD is crazy! Even though I had convinced both of us all these "symptoms" were just in my head somewhere inside me I still wasn't totally convinced. I tell Ish I'm going to call my mom to see what she thinks.... "Hey Mom! What do you think I should do if I'm having trouble breathing?"... Her response was exactly like I imagined, and is probably the voice that saved my life. I agreed with her if I could get dressed with no problems I would just take a nap, but if I have issues I'll go to the doctor. Well... it didn't take much to convince me a doctor was a must. Putting my clothes on felt like I was trying to get dressed after sprinting for 5 miles. I couldn't even brush my teeth without stopping every couple of seconds to gasp for air. I couldn't even make it the few feet from the house to the car with out stopping to catch my breath. That's when I officially knew something was VERY wrong.

We pulled up into the icy parking lot of urgent care and I'm faced with 5 small steps to the door. Those steps looked like a great alternative to the 30 ft where the ramp to the door started. I took 1 step at a time and by the time I got to the top I honestly thought those were my last seconds alive. I was gasping for air as if there was no oxygen left in the atmosphere. I remember Ish was like "come on! It's freezing." He had absolutely no idea... It's a miracle I even made it into the clinic. It only took the doctor 1 minute with me and they got me in a wheel chair, wheeled me to the car and called the ER to give them a heads up I was on the way with most likely a blood clot in my lungs.

You always think the ER makes you wait and wait... well just show up with blood clots and they practically escort you back to a room immediately. My pulse was 170+ and I was hot mess. Within just a few minutes they were doing ultrasounds of my legs for clots... Talk about a painful experience as they located the 3 large clots in my right leg. One in the ankle, one behind the knee and one in my thigh. I had a very serious DVT. I was told not to get up or move around much. The ultrasound technician gave me the heads up if another clot made it to my lungs I would die. 2 shots of blood thinners in my stomach later, I was told my next stop was ICU.

I had a chest x-ray and a cat scan of my lungs to check out the severity of my pulmonary embolisms (lung clots). They found 3 sub massive clots in my lungs and the doctor was shocked at how well my body was dealing with such a severe issue. Hooked up to oxygen, not even allowed to get up to pee (peeing in a bed pan is a whole other post) I was thankfully surrounded by my family. Even during a major snow storm when KY and TN were in a state of emergency my whole family showed up late at night to be by my side.

Not a lot of sleep is had in the ICU. Lights, people, monitors, sounds... It's always something. Poor Ish was stashed in the corner of the room in a recliner pretending to sleep. 5 AM rolls around and in rolls a nurse to perform a heart echo. It was pretty cool to watch as she analyzed all my heart valves and blood flowing in and out. Little did I know at the time she was looking for damage caused by the clot that has passed through my heart approximately 10 PM the night before. Youth was on my side and my heart, while strained due to the clot, showed very little damage. If I had been older, the clot would have most likely killed me.

My sister was designated for PR as she did my make up and sent out facebook updates on my health. Mom and dad were the perfect parents making me feel loved and helping me with anything I needed. Ish's calm demeanor kept me comforted and my friends that called, texted, visited and said prayers for memade me feel so special and loved...2 days in the ICU and 3 nights in a regular hospital room later I was allowed to go home. Still moving super slow, my pulse still high and breathing still problematic, I could be in the comfort of my own home.

God answered my prayers... 3 months of xarelto blood thinners ended a few weeks ago after I passed a breathing test. 100% oxygen levels and I feel great! Last week I had my blood drawn and I have been given the clear on having a blood clotting disorder.

Most people look at me and assume my obesity is the reason for blood clots but as an education, being over weight does not cause clots. Obesity gets that bad rep because often fat people are more sedentary which can lead to blood clots.The reason I have heard over and over from each and every doctor I have visited is birth control and my sprained ankle... the perfect storm for disaster. The chances of clots are slim due to both, but the combination at one time, lead to one potentially deadly scenario. I was on a generic of Yaz called Junel. Yaz type birth control actually has a higher risk for clots and I urge anyone that is on birth control or actually taking any medicine to really take side effects seriously. Now I feel like if you don't have to take it, don't. Doctors never want me to return to oral contraceptives to keep my risks lower and currently I am not taking any medication and hope to stay that way for a very long time.

You never think at 29 things like this will happen. In a blink of an eye my life could have ended unexpectedly. I really do believe all the prayers saved me and God's healing power has given me this second chance in life. Not everyone gets that 2nd chance and I don't plan to take it for granted.

Again I think, Why didn't I just hire the painter? LOL

He popped the question!

Well, God does answer prayers. On July 19th BigCat proposed!!!! It was a sweet proposal after date night. It was sooo cute how nervous he got as he got down on one knee, as if I was possibly going to say no. LOL Of course I said YES!!! But here are the official details!!!

It was a Friday night date night. We rarely go out on Friday nights but BigCat suggested that we try something new for dinner. The next thing I know we have a reservation for the Red Pony in downtown Franklin, TN. The night was a perfect summer evening and downtown historic Franklin is like taking a trip back in time with it's brick sidewalks and quaint old school feeling. It was really quite romantic as we held hands walking the the streets before dinner going into the cute little shops that line the downtown area. The Red Pony was delicious and was perfect for our romantic date night! We capped the night off with some icecream and just enjoyed the warm summer evening strolling back towards our car. I had wondered earlier in the evening if maybe "tonight was the night" but the night just kept slipping later and later with no sign of a proposal so I just enjoyed the company and kept my suspicions to myself. But I knew something was up…. he wouldn't take one of his hands out of his pocket all night… It really made a girl wonder. LOL but it was a little after 10, if he was going to propose he would have done it by now, right? With the car in sight we come up to the soldier monument in Franklin Square. We look around at the monument and BigCat and I embrace below the statue and slowly start slow dancing to our own song. He starts twirling me over and over and then out of no where he gets down on one knee and then it was happening. He pulled the ring out of pocket and asked me to be his wife. I honestly couldn't believe it was actually happening. The ring was perfect, the night was perfect and were the happiest people in the whole wide world that moment in time.

Now time for wedding planning!!!

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By 30.....

I can't take claim to the great wisdom and thoughts written below. Today during my lunch break I browsed through this months Glamour magazine and happed to come accross 30 things you should have and know by 30. I was inspired. Only a few short months until my 27th bday greets me and I couldn't help but connect with a few of Glamour's points. Growing up is a painful process.


By 30, you should have ...

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.


By 30, you should know ...

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30

I'm Scared

I know I mentioned in the last post that I started dating a great guy. I have yet to write about him because I don't want to jinx anything because everything has been so wonderful because He is wonderful. Not only is he a good catch on paper (Has a good job, good family, a nice place to live, a good car…) but he is just an all around great guy. He's sweet, thoughtful, funny, smart, has a smile and laugh that can light up any room, he is sooo much fun to be around, super dependable, he touches base, but most importantly, he makes me so happy. He's someone I want to see every day. Even after 6 months, I still get a little sad every time we say good bye… I just wish our moments together were a slower version of time.  I know all this sounds silly. But it's all true.

I have written time and time again on here about men. About how they treat me wrong. But this guy is different. We were set up by a mutual friend and I remember how nervous I was the first time we met. (so nervous I ordered 3 vodka drinks at 5 in the afternoon and talked 1000 miles per minute LOL) I remember he was wearing a blue polo shirt and he had the cutest smile. He seemed sooo nice but I  honestly was at my lowest point in trust in men and I just assumed he was going to be like every other man I had ever dated….I never imagined that I would fall in love with him.

But now I'm scared. You know those instances when you don't want to say something unless you know the other person feels mutual? Well love is one of them, and I let my love cat out of the bag. I honestly thought the feelings were mutual but when I dropped the L bomb I got nothing but silence in return. On one hand I am grateful that if he doesn't feel the same way he didn't just say it back because that would just be leading me on. But on the other hand, why didn't he say anything in return? I didnt need an I love you to feel great about this, but I needed some sort of affirmation he was on the same page, (or at least same chapter) as I am…. Basically anything but silence. I mean, is he scared to say I love you? Or is he just too scared to say he likes me but doesn't love me… Maybe he is at the point where he knows he likes spending time with me, and doesn't want to give that up yet but knows he doesn't love me and is just riding the wave until I beg for his opinion on the matter?

I just don't know and after getting advice from an older male colleague I feel even more down because he was pretty insistent this is a huge red flag and that it most likely was not a good thing he couldn't or I guess didn't reciprocate some sort of feelings to me…. As much as I would like to say I am stronger woman than this…. I am letting it affect me and our relationship, which probably in turn makes all this worse. I'm over analyzing everything, overly sensitive, and completely and utterly insecure. And unfortunately, you can't hide that kind of insecurity. Its like I am just waiting for the day for him to break up with me or admit to me he doesn't feel the same way.

 I just wish I could take saying it back. Then I could go on assuming he felt the same way as me and I could continue living in giddy love land. Ugh...

Backsplash

If you know me and my house, you know there is little or never times when I don't have some sort of house project or work that needs to be completed. My latest project has been installing a new back splash in my kitchen. Originally I thought it would be fun to take on the tasks of learning how to install a tile back splash myself but when it came down to it I didn't think I could take on the task A)without dropping alot of cash and B) most likely messing it up (costing me even more money!) haha. Just memories of my bathroom remodel and how many times they had to tear out their tile made me cringe... and they were considered professionals!

Before

So I found a decent alternative- Thermoplastic Panels. It was fairly cheap and after watching a few instructional videos on YouTube I thought it was going to be super easy. BigCat and I worked two nights in a row. What sounded easy... cutting out plastic panels and taping them up turned into a long but in my opinion a super fun experience to share together.



During



Lessons we learned: 1) Don't start a home improvement project at night... by 10:30 your mind and motor skills are shot. 2) Nothing is as quick and easy as you expect and 3) there will be accidents. Prime example is BigCat getting electrocuted by my stove. LOL



Finished Product

Happy Holidays

So it has offiicially been forever since I have posted. Since I last posted in August I have finished another MBA class, started dating a great guy (I'll refer to him on here as BigCat), after 31 years of marriage my parents have separated/filing for divorce, my nephew has turned 1, I have traveled to Spain and Germany to visit my bestie, and lots of little things here, there, and in between.

My mom sister and I also started a baking blog I will admit I have been much more dedicated to it than this blog. Baking, as you know from several of my posts over the past few years has always been a passion of mine and the women of my family. Please check out our site: http://www.buttercreambakers.com/. Candid life of Christy is more of an anynoumous blog since I touch on lots of personal topics that I wouldn't share to an average person upon meeting them but Buttercream Bakers will fill you in on my domestic goddess side showing off all the kitchen creations I have been cooking up the last few months.

I promise to keep the posts flowing better in the future. In the meantime, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Bathroom Remodel

I love my house but there is one thing I wish I could change about it. It's 1/2 bath. Originally when I was looking to buy houses my realtor convinced me (my now house) this property would be a prime candidate to add a shower to the half bath making it fit my criteria in the home search. I lived in the house about a year before my inspiration came. I went to Birmingham a bridal shower and stayed at one my sorority sisters new house that she just so happened to have remodeled. Her house was almost identical to mine except she had 2 full baths...and when I saw her amazing, super beautiful shower, I knew what I had to do when I got back to Nashville.... Build a amazing, super beautiful shower for myself!







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Before Picture: Putting a shower in place of the hall closet (middle door in picture)

 

Before Picture

After meetings with 4 different contracts, a dozen trips to Home Depot, Lowes, and tiles stores, I finally made my decision on my purchases and contractor. The project was estimated to take 3 days.... But two months later we finally got to use my new shower!

Where the hallway closest used to be




 





Cracked Tiles



In the process they had to rip out tile 3 times... let's just say I must be a horrible judge of character cause I picked a horrible contractor. They must have underestimated just how observant I am. These two tiles are just a few of the many issues we came across.

cracked tiles




I don't have any great pictures of the final project. New vanity, medicine cabinet and shower together but hopefully I will get one up there for ya soon!